5 Ways to Feed Yourself at Home

by Nick Joy

Have you ever sprawled out in your bed home alone and think that you could possibly die of starvation because you actually depend on your family for food, and they are not there? I have. If you have too, don’t worry. I’ve whipped up some recipes that you can make when you don’t know how to make food at all.

The Spaghetti With Butter

Everyone has a box in their pantry with some type of noodle. Everyone has butter. Everyone has salt and pepper. If you have these things that everyone usually has (sorry to people who don’t) you can make this recipe.

1. Get a pot filled with water and salt it heavily. Like, make the water taste like the ocean (not the lake). Then bring that water to a boil.
2. Once you get it to a boil, put in your pasta in there and cook it to the time it says on the box. And if your mom or whoever put that pasta in an unlabeled plastic Ziploc bag, just cook it to your desired texture.
3. Once the pasta is ready, drain it.
4. Once drained, add pasta back to pot that you cooked it with. Take it off the heat and fold in your butter and a teaspoon of salt. (I’m a little bit of a rebel, so I would add pepper, but that’s just me.) Mix until well combined.

The Nut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

This a very complex dish that requires a lot of time and care. It combines a lot of flavors to create a refined umami experience.

Here are the things you will need: peanut butter (or any nut butter I guess), jelly, and bread.

1. Get your bread. Toast it until it’s golden.
2. Get your knife and nut butter, spread that nut butter until it’s evenly coated on one side of the bread. Get a little tiny bit of nut butter and smear it onto the other toasted bread.
3. Then slather on jelly to the slightly nut-buttered side.
4. Let the two sides meet. (Like my personalities.)

A Bag of Stale Chips in the Back or Bottom of Your Pantry

Ingredients needed: Stale half-eaten bag of chips, the appetite you already have, and the courage to eat chips that have lost all of their chip-ness.

1. Grab bag of stale chips.
2. Loaf in your kitchen, maybe on the verge of crying, whilst eating chips.

Go to the Corner Store and Max Out on Junk Food With the Change in Your Coin Jar

Look for that jar of coins and prepare yourself for the dangerous travel in pajamas and slide-on sandals.

1. Count change and make sure you have enough for at least 2-for-1 chips.
2. Take treacherous journey to the nearest corner store. (P.S.: Avoid people you know at all costs.)
3. Get your food. And maybe stuff to make a sandwich if you’re feeling healthy.

Order Food

We all have a drawer full of menus, and we also all have phones. Just order some food. You’re home alone and no one can punish you.

1. Grab your menu or phone.
2. Decide whether you care about unexplained charges on your caretaker’s debit card.
3. Suspend disbelief by convincing yourself it’s for the greater good.
4. Order dat food.